conversation feeling tense?

Published 13 days ago • 1 min read

Hey Reader,

When conversations feel tense, your gut instinct is to push harder. To do more rather than do less. But the more you push, the harder they fight, and that’s not what you want.

Instead of pushing, I want you to ask defusing questions.

Here’s what they sound like. Begin with:

#1. “Is it unreasonable…?”

For example, instead of telling someone to lower their voice (which they likely will not do), ask:

“Is it unreasonable to ask us to speak at a lower volume?"

It’s a question that works because they can't argue without sounding unreasonable and most people won’t even answer it, opting instead for an implicit “no” by automatically lowering their voice or whatever you’ve asked.

#2. “Are you opposed…?”

For example, instead of telling someone to listen to what you have to say, ask:

“Are you opposed to hearing my thoughts?”

It works because it allows them a 'no' response, which is everyone’s (including my kids) default preference, while making them feel like they have more control in the discussion.

#3. “Are you against…?”

Same as above, beginning the question with this phrase allows them to say “no” and still get them to agree with you (which is some Jedi-like skills!).

For example, you could ask: “Are you against us taking this conversation elsewhere?” (which needs a ‘no’) instead of “Can we take this conversation elsewhere?” (which needs a ‘yes’).

And that's how you navigate the conversation when things get tense.

So try that!

J

Join the Movement

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

The School of Communication

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